Goodbye Again

My bags are packed and ready to go, but I still have a few more hours before I need to leave for the airport. I always hate leaving my home. As much as I would love to live by the motto "Home is where the Navy sends us", I really can't. In many ways, that is true. Where Mr. V goes, I follow and it will always be that way as long as he is in the Navy. We're a family and we will make a home together wherever we go. However, at the same time, I don't know if I can ever call any of these places "home". So far the Navy has put me in Texas, Florida and Washington, yet when people ask me where I'm from, I still say "New Jersey". This will always be my home, while those other places will be a temporary home.

I've never been a person who has dealt well with change, so marrying someone in the military probably wasn't the smartest thing in the world, but I guess we can't help who we fall in love with! It took me 3 years to get used to North Carolina when I was in college there. I spent many school breaks at home in NJ claiming that I wasn't going back to NC and that I hated it there. It wasn't until my senior year when something finally clicked, and suddenly, I loved it there! That's why, when I did move out of NJ permanently, NC is where I went. But it took 3 years! 3 years for me to fully adapt to a place and 3 years to fully love a place. Unfortunately, 3 years is the standard amount of time that we will live anywhere, so sometimes its really depressing to me because I feel like I'll never have time to settle down and really feel like I am home.

I feel like I'm kind of rambling here. This isn't to say that I hate the experiences the Navy has given me. If anything, I love these experiences. I have been to places I never would have been to. I've seen things I never thought I would see. I've gotten "vacations" on the Navy's dollar. I am not sure if I ever would have seen Washington state if it wasn't for the Navy. I have always wanted to visit all 50 states at some point, but Washington was never on the top of my list, so who knows if I would have ever made it there. So while I am thankful for these experiences, it still makes me sad that I don't quite feel at home anywhere but at my childhood home.

I realize that this is pointless whining. If I want to be married to Mr. V then I have to deal with this life, and I'm willing to do that. But sometimes I feel like I need to have a good cry about it all. Most of the time I feel like having that good cry when it comes to leaving a place I am familiar with.

I think the hardest thing about leaving NJ this time is my grandparents. I came out here to celebrate their 80th birthday. I am their only grandchild and I admit that I have always been spoiled rotten by them. They mean so much to me, and in the past few years, they have been very depressed (especially my grandpa). They miss me and they make that very clear. I used to go to their house all the time, but now at the end of their lives, I barely see them. I wish I could see them more because it upsets me to see them crying when I say goodbye to them. I know that they won't be around forever. My grandpa has been pretty sick recently so I know that his time here is limited. I can handle saying goodbye to my friends. I can handle saying goodbye to my other family that is still left here. But I can't handle saying goodbye to them. Its hard enough that I have a hard time dealing with change as it is!

I'm not really sure what the point of this post is. I'm just sitting here, waiting to leave, and thinking a lot about my time spent in this house. There is a large part of me that wishes that I could still be here and that this was still my house to live in. There is so much that I miss about this place in general, and so many good memories, yet in a few hours, I'll be gone for who knows how long.

I guess I need to just suck it up, but I've never been good at doing that. I do miss Mr. V. I miss the cats. I miss my friends in Washington, but life would be ideal if I could just combine everything and everyone that I miss and put them all in the exact same place! I've always wanted a life of stability, but I chose a life of anything but that. Maybe one day I'll be able to handle change better. Maybe one day I'll be able to say goodbye to people without hurting and without crying.

So I guess this is goodbye to New Jersey for a while again. I don't know when I'll be out here again, but I do know that I want and need to see my grandparents again soon. Hopefully I'll plan another trip in a few months, and then I'll just go through this whole sad process again! To end this on a somewhat happy note, the best thing about this life is the freedom its given me. I guess that sounds weird as I sit here complaining about wanting stability, yet being happy about my freedom, but it does make sense. Mr. V has a great job that provides for us and allows me not to work full time. At one point this was a huge downer for me. I always wanted a career and I was upset when I realized we would be living in places that simply wouldn't allow for me to have that career. So I have worked temp jobs and I've worked as a nanny. I work part time and pretty much chose my own hours. His job allows for me to travel and do the things I want to and need to do and for that I am thankful :-).

Well...I guess its time to go pack up the car and head on out of here. I'll be back soon....I promise! :-)