Deployment Blues

I think it finally hit me that my husband is gone for the rest of the year. Everyone that I have talked to who has been through a deployment before warned me that this would happen. I was told that one day it would all hit me and I'd be sad, lonely and miserable for a while, until something clicked and I became ok again. Well...I'm ready to be ok again :-(.

When Mr. V first left, I was devastated as I mentioned in a post from a few weeks ago. I cried my eyes out and thought I'd never be ok and never survive this deployment. Then about 2 days later, I was fine. I felt happy. I felt normal. I was keeping myself busy and getting into a routine and I was fine. I was hoping to avoid that day when it would all sink in and I'd get upset again. Unfortunately, I wasn't lucky enough to avoid it.

This past Thursday my sister-in-law came into town. I knew that she was coming, but originally I thought she was coming later in the month. She is doing a summer study program in Alaska. She had to fly into Seattle and then get to Bellingham to get on a boat to Alaska. After talking to her, I learned that each student was responsible for finding their way to the boat. Once they got to the boat then their travel plans were secure, but before that it was up to each individual person to find a way to get where they were going. So SIL asked me if I could pick her up at the airport, then spend the night at my house and then drive her to Bellingham the next day. Of course I said sure!

I picked her up at the airport late Thursday night. We spent a good 2 hours talking in the car and then we crashed and fell asleep. The next day we lounged around the house in the morning, then I took her to Deception Pass around noon, and then we were off to Bellingham.

Bellingham itself was an adventure, because I had no idea that there was a waterfront there. (Yes it makes perfect sense that there is a waterfront there, but I'm still lacking some basic knowledge of Washington geography.) Of course we didn't think to bring directions with us. We knew what street we had to get to and google maps made it look like the street was right off of the interstate. It wasn't. Of course. Needless to say, we had quite the adventure driving around Bellingham trying to find our way to the boat. We found the waterfront and we found lots of boats, but apparently to get to the Alaska ferry you actually have to leave the waterfront area, drive through the University area, then loop around back to the waterfront (google maps was NOT helpful with that information). We did get a nice tour of the city though :-). SIL had to be at the boat at 3:30pm. We got there at 4:00. A phone call to her teacher assured us that other people were only just arriving and the boat didn't leave until 6:00 so we were good. So after our driving adventure, we got to the boat, got her bags out of the car and got her checked in. When I said goodbye to her, is when the reality of my life hit me.

I'm not sure what caused it, but I got back into my car and started crying :'-(. I had this overwhelming sense of loneliness and I didn't understand why. She was with me for less than 24 hours and we had fun while she was here. I had this weird feeling that I missed her and I was upset because I knew that she didn't miss me. Then logic started working and I realized that I could care less that she was gone. I don't mean that in a mean way. I had fun with her and I would have gladly hung out with her longer, but I think my logic was that I wasn't missing HER, I was missing her brother, my husband. I'm not sure if that even makes sense. Mr. V isn't even all that close with his sisters, but this particular sister is more like him than the other 2. There were a few things that she said and did in the short time she was with me that reminded me of him. Little things like saying that the air at Deception Pass smelled clean and fresh. Mr. V says that all the time and I laugh at him because I'm kind of sick of hearing it :-). When she said the exact same thing it was like he was with me...but he wasn't. I guess in a way, she was my connection to him in a completely illogical way, so when she left, I found myself missing him more than I had before I even picked his sister up from the airport.

I've been ok since then, but the sadness hasn't gone away. I'm thankful that I'm not so depressed that I can't function. The idea of that happening scares me, especially because thats the way I felt the day he left. I don't ever want to feel that way again. I can handle normal sadness, but it still sucks.

Then today, I got my anniversary present in the mail from him. I knew from the moment he checked into his squadron here that we wouldn't be able to celebrate our 1st anniversary together, and I thought I was ok with that. I WAS ok with that until this sadness started creeping back and until I got his present in the mail today. When we got married a year ago (a year as of this Sunday - June 14th), we had a very simple wedding, which was the way I wanted it. I only had 2 things that I absolutely HAD to have in my wedding. I wanted yellow daisies. I wanted a sword arch. Anything else I didn't really care. I'd offer my opinion on other things, but the 2 things I was dead set on were the yellow daisies and the sword arch. Of course it figures, that we had the world's worst photographer and our sword arch pictures came out horrible. Everyone is in a horrible shadow that even someone who takes pictures just for fun, would have been able to figure out. When Mr. V had asked the photographer to turn the sword arch around so we wouldn't be in shadows, she got snippy with him and said that she knew what she was doing. Well..clearly she didn't because our pictures didn't come out good. The sword arch pictures were the ONLY pictures that I really cared about. I just wanted one picture to enlarge and frame and I don't have one that is good enough to do that.

Ironically, the day that I received my present from Mr. V, I had spent the afternoon at a camera store getting one of the sword arch pictures sent out to be touched up by professional people who can hopefully get rid of the bad shadow. My fingers are crossed that they'll be able to do it and I'll have my framable picture. Anyway, my present from Mr. V was the sweetest and most loving present I have ever gotten. He spent hours hand drawing the picture that I wanted so badly. Since the first anniversary gift is traditionally paper, he gave me a piece of paper, with his hand drawn picture of our sword arch. He took the actual picture and copied it in full detail into his own artwork. I knew he had artistic talent, but I didn't know he was able to draw this well at all. I've never been a person who needs or wants extravagant gifts, and thankfully he knows that because this picture means more to me than any store bought gift would. I'd say more about it, but he's getting a thank you letter from me, so I don't want him to read everything I have to say right now, in my blog.

Getting that picture made me even sadder though :-(. I loved it, but that is when reality hit me again. We won't be together for our 1st anniversary, and while I thought I was ok with that originally, I guess I'm really not. Obviously, there is nothing I can do about it, but it still just hurts. I'm sure I'll spend more time crying over this as the week goes on and we approach our actual anniversary.

I'm sorry that this post isn't a very happy one, but I guess I'm just not a very happy person right now. I miss my husband...a lot. I know that this will pass and I'll get back into a routine. I just hope that it passes quickly. I know I'll still miss him, but I hate feeling this sad about it :-(.