I still can't believe that Anna, my college roommate and best friend is dead. The word "dead" just doesn't even seem like an appropriate word to describe someone who was so full of life.
Anna left this world on April 4th, 2011, very suddenly and very unexpectedly. I've been doing a lot of reflecting over the past few days, because as the anniversary of her death and funeral approached, the sad feelings began flowing again. I certainly haven't forgotten about her, but it is true that time heals people. After her death, as the year went on, other things began to consume my thoughts. Normal, every day life took the place of the feelings of sadness in my mind. But every now and then something would happen where I just needed a friend, and the realization that I couldn't pick up the phone to call Anna would hit me like a ton of bricks and my tears would start all over.
After Anna died, I wrote this. And everything that I wrote there still holds true. Anna was such a genuinely GOOD person, and a fiercely loyal friend. If you look up the definition of the word "loyal" in the dictionary, her picture should be there. Her death opened up my eyes to a lot of things, mainly the way I act and treat people. I had vowed to become a better person after losing her. I wanted to stay in touch with people more and be a better friend to people and I have to sadly say, that I didn't succeed at that goal. I know I'm not a bad person, but I didn't make much more of an effort to stay in touch with people and I had wanted to. I wasn't always there for my friends and I should have been. It makes me wonder how Anna did it so easily. Being nice and being "good" just came so naturally to her. Aside from the fact that losing any person so young is a tragedy, its also such a tragedy that the world lost a person who was so "good".
This past weekend was hard. It was Easter weekend, but my mind was elsewhere. Last year at this time I was back in North Carolina, watching and crying as my best friend was lowered into the ground in a coffin. The next day I tried to make sure that my friend Alice wasn't forgotten as she celebrated her 30th birthday. It was essentially a celebration of life and death in one single weekend, and sadly, I think that this weekend, for years to come, will always hold those memories for me.
I'm happy that my memories of Anna are still so strong, but sad that its already been over a year since she left us. Time really does move fast, and I hope that as the years go on my memories of her don't become more distant.
I find myself getting angry sometimes when I think about her. I find myself thinking "Its not fair." The reasons I get angry are selfish reasons, but I can't help it. Anna and I spent 3 years as college roommates. When I was growing up, I met my mom's college roommates and their children. I heard the stories my mom told me about college, and I met the people who went along with the stories and I met their children, who were around the same age as me. And now, I find myself getting angry that my (non-existent) children will never get to meet Anna. And as much as she wanted kids of her own, it never happened for her. So my kids will never be able to meet her kids, and hear the stories that we tell together about our time together at Catawba. Its a stupid thought in a way, but its also a really sad thought. I wanted to go to college homecomings in 20 years, and meet up with Anna and introduce people to my old roommate, and I will never be able to do that. I wanted to spend more time with her. I wanted to be a better friend to her. I wanted to be able to always call her when I needed an ear to listen to me or a friend to cry to. But I can't do that. And I'm angry about that.
I know this post is kind of rambling , but I don't know how to fully connect all of my thoughts right now. I'm just sad. I miss Anna. I hate that someone who loved life was taken out of this life so young. Anna was very religious and loved God so there is no doubt in my mind that she is in heaven right now. But at the same time, as much as she loved God, I also know that she didn't want to die this young. She had plans for the rest of her life that she will never be able to complete. She had hopes and dreams that will now never come true.
So in her memory, I thought I'd post some old pictures of Brooklet (because let's not forget that she is the first person who ever called me Brooklet) and Anna. These are in no particular order, and none of them have captions right now. I may go back and caption them if I have more time one day. For now though, I think the pictures themselves speak for our friendship. I don't think they need to be in order or captioned for people to understand that.
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