Anna - a Year Later

Its been just over a year since the world lost a wonderful person and heaven got a beautiful angel.

I still can't believe that Anna, my college roommate and best friend is dead. The word "dead" just doesn't even seem like an appropriate word to describe someone who was so full of life.

Anna left this world on April 4th, 2011, very suddenly and very unexpectedly. I've been doing a lot of reflecting over the past few days, because as the anniversary of her death and funeral approached, the sad feelings began flowing again. I certainly haven't forgotten about her, but it is true that time heals people. After her death, as the year went on, other things began to consume my thoughts. Normal, every day life took the place of the feelings of sadness in my mind. But every now and then something would happen where I just needed a friend, and the realization that I couldn't pick up the phone to call Anna would hit me like a ton of bricks and my tears would start all over.

After Anna died, I wrote this. And everything that I wrote there still holds true. Anna was such a genuinely GOOD person, and a fiercely loyal friend. If you look up the definition of the word "loyal" in the dictionary, her picture should be there. Her death opened up my eyes to a lot of things, mainly the way I act and treat people. I had vowed to become a better person after losing her. I wanted to stay in touch with people more and be a better friend to people and I have to sadly say, that I didn't succeed at that goal. I know I'm not a bad person, but I didn't make much more of an effort to stay in touch with people and I had wanted to. I wasn't always there for my friends and I should have been. It makes me wonder how Anna did it so easily. Being nice and being "good" just came so naturally to her. Aside from the fact that losing any person so young is a tragedy, its also such a tragedy that the world lost a person who was so "good".

This past weekend was hard. It was Easter weekend, but my mind was elsewhere. Last year at this time I was back in North Carolina, watching and crying as my best friend was lowered into the ground in a coffin. The next day I tried to make sure that my friend Alice wasn't forgotten as she celebrated her 30th birthday. It was essentially a celebration of life and death in one single weekend, and sadly, I think that this weekend, for years to come, will always hold those memories for me.

I'm happy that my memories of Anna are still so strong, but sad that its already been over a year since she left us. Time really does move fast, and I hope that as the years go on my memories of her don't become more distant.

I find myself getting angry sometimes when I think about her. I find myself thinking "Its not fair." The reasons I get angry are selfish reasons, but I can't help it. Anna and I spent 3 years as college roommates. When I was growing up, I met my mom's college roommates and their children. I heard the stories my mom told me about college, and I met the people who went along with the stories and I met their children, who were around the same age as me. And now, I find myself getting angry that my (non-existent) children will never get to meet Anna. And as much as she wanted kids of her own, it never happened for her. So my kids will never be able to meet her kids, and hear the stories that we tell together about our time together at Catawba. Its a stupid thought in a way, but its also a really sad thought. I wanted to go to college homecomings in 20 years, and meet up with Anna and introduce people to my old roommate, and I will never be able to do that. I wanted to spend more time with her. I wanted to be a better friend to her. I wanted to be able to always call her when I needed an ear to listen to me or a friend to cry to. But I can't do that. And I'm angry about that.

I know this post is kind of rambling , but I don't know how to fully connect all of my thoughts right now. I'm just sad. I miss Anna. I hate that someone who loved life was taken out of this life so young. Anna was very religious and loved God so there is no doubt in my mind that she is in heaven right now. But at the same time, as much as she loved God, I also know that she didn't want to die this young. She had plans for the rest of her life that she will never be able to complete. She had hopes and dreams that will now never come true.

So in her memory, I thought I'd post some old pictures of Brooklet (because let's not forget that she is the first person who ever called me Brooklet) and Anna. These are in no particular order, and none of them have captions right now. I may go back and caption them if I have more time one day. For now though, I think the pictures themselves speak for our friendship. I don't think they need to be in order or captioned for people to understand that.

Memories of a friend and lessons learned

Its taken me a while to post this because after receiving this horrible news, my life became a whirlwind of last minute plans to travel to North Carolina for a funeral, followed immediately by a 2 week pre-deployment vacation.

A few weeks ago I received news that Anna, one of my closest friends, had died very suddenly and unexpectedly. At the moment, no one is sure what happened. It can apparently take 6-8 weeks for autopsy results so we are still waiting. When I saw the message that her husband had posted on Facebook, I was numb. I actually sat there for a few minutes trying to figure out why he would joke about something like this...because clearly, that message had to be a joke. Anna had just celebrated her 30th birthday and her 5th wedding anniversary. She was too young to die.

I'm not sure when it finally sunk in that this was no joke. One of my closest friends in the entire world was gone. I would never see her again, or hear her voice and her laughter. I spent most of the night crying, and didn't sleep for a single minute. I'm filled with happy memories, but also regrets.

Anna was one of the first people that I met at Catawba. We used to joke around about how we met because I actually "met" her before I really met her. It was my first day at Catawba and I was in the bookstore with my parents. Our orientation hadn't started yet so we were killing time walking around campus. I was excited, but nervous, and I think some of that nervousness is what made me react the way I did. I saw Anna in the bookstore. She smiled at me, and said hi...and I didn't respond! I have no idea why. I am not the kind of person who would just ignore a random stranger like that. But for some reason, I looked at her, and decided that she was a snob. When my orientation class began later that day, I walked into the room and realized that the "snob" I had seen in the bookstore was in my class! Our orientation classes were small. I think mine had 12 people in it, so what were the odds of the snobby girl from the bookstore being in the same class as me. Later that day, after our parents had left, and we were left alone to mingle with our new friends, Anna and I started talking. I realized in an instant that my initial assessment of her was 100% wrong. She was clearly one of the sweetest girls I had ever met. We became instant friends. For years after that moment, we would joke about the bookstore incident. It turns out that when she saw me in orientation she thought "Oh great, the snobby girl who ignored me in the bookstore is in my class." So at random moments throughout the next 12 years she would say to me "I can't believe you thought I was a snob!" or I would say "I can't believe I ever thought that you were snobby" and we'd have a good laugh about it!

Anna truly had one of the kindest and most compassionate hearts ever. If a friend needed her, she was there. She went out of her way to make people feel loved and comfortable in every instance. I remember one particular time when a friend of ours had his wisdom teeth removed. He had a pretty rough go of it, and was feeling pretty miserable for a few days. Everyone who was friends with him gave him the obligatory "I hope you feel better. Let me know if you need anything." And we all meant that. But I'm almost embarrassed to admit that none of us did anything for him without him asking...except for Anna. He never asked for her help or her comfort, but while the rest of us said "get well soon" and then went on with our daily lives, Anna was the one who took it upon herself to make him soup. It seems like a small gesture, but that's who she was and those are the kinds of things that she did. No one else thought to bring him soup, then sit there with him while he ate it, just to keep him company.

I remember another similar time when I had a horrible allergic skin reaction to something. I have no idea what, but I had broken out into hives everywhere. I was itchy, uncomfortable and miserable. But I just sucked it up, and tried to ignore it. While I was sitting in our room itching every single part of my body, Anna left. I didn't know why she left, but she came back about 15 minutes later with Benadryl cream for me. I never asked her to get me medicine, she just did it without even thinking twice about it. Again - it seems like such a small gesture, but its those small gestures from people that end up meaning the world to someone.

We spent 3 years as college roommates, and when I moved back to North Carolina at the end of 2004, Anna became my roommate again. She wasn't always easy to live with, but I know that I wasn't always a gem of a roommate either. What I found amazing about her though, is that no matter how annoyed I got at her, or whatever petty thing was bothering me at the moment, I could NEVER stay mad at her for more than a few minutes. And if you know me well, you know that its pretty unusual of me to just get over something that quickly. But she was so genuine and so caring, so even when something annoyed me slightly, I always knew that Anna would never, ever intentionally do something to annoy someone on purpose. I truly don't believe that she had a single mean bone in her body.

When I left my fiance a few years ago, I went through some rough times. It was a period of time when I had the unfortunate experience of learning who my true friends were. It was hurtful when some friends that I thought were true friends, turned against me. Logically, I know that these "friends" were never true friends to begin with...but it still hurt. I came out of the whole experience stronger though, and secure in knowing who I could always count on in my life. Anna is one of the people who stuck by me. She let me know, in every possible way that she could, that she would always be there for me, and she would always be my friend. She never judged me. She never waivered her opinion about the entire situation. She just stuck by me like any true best friend would do. Anna was the definition of loyalty. I've never met anyone else who could even come close to the amount of loyalty that Anna showed her friends. I think part of what is so hard right now is that I always knew that she would be there and that I could always count on her. But now if I need her, she isn't there and I can't wrap my mind around that fact just yet.

Then there was my wedding. I threw my wedding together in a time period of about one month. It was a small ceremony, and it was done as simply as we possibly could. Anna was my maid of honor - a job that usually means she would throw me a wedding shower and a bachelorette party. I told her that I didn't want or need either of these two things. This was supposed to be a simple day and I didn't want to do anything that would make it more complicated for anyone. In the end, timing simply didn't allow for a bachelorette party, but Anna insisted on a wedding shower. I protested, and she protested back. She always was stubborn and there was no arguing with her this time, so I caved. She ended up throwing me a shower a day before my wedding, and it was a beautiful shower. She went way beyond anything that I would have expected her to do, but the ridiculous thing is that I don't know why I didn't expect it. Because once again, this was just the kind of thing that Anna did. She went out of her way to show her friends how much she loved them.

I'm saddened to say that I truly think she was a better friend to me than I was to her. I have never been good about keeping in touch with people. Its a flaw that I know I have. I don't even know how many times I had cheerful voice mails from Anna and then I forgot to call her back. Or how many times I would think "I need to send Anna an email" but then put it off for days, because I was feeling too lazy to sit down and write. In the back of my mind, I just always thought she would always be there. I always thought "I'll just email her later" or "Crap I forgot to call her back, but its ok, I'll just call her back tomorrow". It just never crossed my mind that one day, tomorrow wouldn't be there anymore.

I also put off going to see her several times because plane tickets were too expensive. I've been wanting to take a trip back to North Carolina for about 3 years now, but there's always a reason why I can't...usually its the cost of airfare. But looking back now, I should have gone anyway. In the end, its just money. But because I wanted to save money, the last time I saw my wonderful Anna was at my wedding - almost 3 years ago. If I could go back in time I would buy 10 plane tickets, regardless of the cost, just so I could go see my friend one more time. Her 30th birthday was this past February, and once again, I missed my chance to see her. Her husband threw her a magnificent party. It was a home petting zoo party, and if you know Anna, you know how well this fits her personality. Her compassion and caring was equally divided between humans and animals. In fact...she's the one who gave me my first cat (not counting my "first" cat who ultimately became my dad's cat). When a scrawny, undernourished, sick cat showed up at the dumpster at her apartment complex she, of course, fed it. She moved into the house we rented together a few days after finding this cat and I will never forget her walking in the door that day. She had the ugliest, scrawniest, howling at the top of her lungs, cat in her arms. And she said to me as cheerful as ever "Look Brooklet! I found a cat!" (and as a side note, she's the one who gave me the nickname Brooklet) I wasn't even a true cat person at the time, but as we all know now...that was the beginning of my decline into crazy cat lady land. Back to her party though... by the time I knew of the party, airfare had climbed pretty high. I wanted to be there more than ever, but I told myself that it was ok. I could see her any other time. Little did I know at the time that that would be my last chance to see her.

All I can hope for now is that she knows how much I loved her and how much I valued our friendship. I hope she knows that she was such an important piece of my life and that I truly wouldn't be who I am today, if it hadn't been for her. I have so many regrets, and I hope she knows that my laziness in keeping in touch with her, and my fear of spending too much money, had nothing at all to do with her. I hate that I had to learn my lesson this way, but if I could go back in time, I'd buy those plane tickets without even flinching at the cost. I'd send her more emails and call her more often. I'd make every effort that I possibly could to let her know how much she means to me. Sadly, all I can do now is to simply honor her memory and treasure the memories that I have of her forever. So to anyone who is reading this - please treasure your friends and family. Hug them daily and let them know how much they mean to you. Don't make excuses to put off till tomorrow what you can do today. Life is simply too short and tomorrow may not always be there.

I was looking through some old college pictures today and I came across this one from our sophomore year. Not only is Anna wearing her signature smile, but the angel wings made me burst into tears all over again. If anyone in this world deserves to be an angel...its Anna.