Long Road Ahead

Well...Mr. V is gone. Deployment has started and now I have started the countdown to when he returns. I have to admit that I didn't react at all like I thought I would. I expected to be sad when he left. I expected to be upset. I didn't expect to break down into uncontrollable tears the way I did. I also didn't expect to be going through these crazy emotional mood swings that I am going through right now. I knew that all this stuff was possible, but I guess I just thought that it wouldn't happen to me. I'm a person who enjoys being alone at times. I realized though, that while I enjoy my alone time, I also enjoy choosing when I get to take that alone time. I think the fact that I had no control over him leaving is what is making my emotions all screwed up right now.

The day he left was hard. I started crying several hours before he left and continued crying for several hours after he left. I am very happy that I was able to see him off though. I know that some wives prefer to not drop their husbands off or to just drop them off and leave immediately. I needed the closure of saying goodbye to him and I am happy that I had that. Besides, we arrived at the air terminal on time, and then it took another 2 hours before he left, so I'm thankful for those extra 2 hours. Granted, they were spent in a large room with tons of other people, but I think I would have regretted it if I hadn't been there during that time. Here are 3 pictures of us the day he left. The first two were taken during a lull in my tears. I'm surprised that I actually look focused and somewhat happy. The second one was taken right before he walked into a line waiting for the bus to take him to his plane. By the time the second one was taken, I had broken down into tears again.


On the day he left, I never thought I'd manage to gain control of my tears, but thankfully, I have friends and I have things to do to keep me busy, so I have been able to feel slightly normal again. The night that he left was hard. The wife of the squadron's CO invited everyone over to her house for food and comfort but I wasn't in the mood to be around a large group of people. I just needed to cry and get it all out. At the same time though, I didn't want to be completely alone, so I spent most of the night at my friend's house. We cooked dinner, cried a little and watched Twilight in an attempt to cheer ourselves up.

The next day I woke up feeling pretty cheerful. I don't know if I was in denial or if it simply means that I'm going to be ok. I babysat that day, and then that evening my friend came over and we had dinner at my house, while we watched Bride Wars (food and chick flicks are clearly the answer to cheering ourselves up!).

The next day was a little harder. I woke up upset again. I guess that was the start of my emotional mood swings. Once I dragged myself out of bed, I tried to motivate myself to get some errands taken care of. I didn't actually make it out of the house until 3:00 that day. And if you know me, I may be slow moving in the morning, but 3:00 is a VERY late start, even for me. Then that night was dinner at my friend's house again. This time around another guy in the squadron who hasn't left yet cooked us dinner. He is a good friend of our husbands and he wanted to get rid of some steaks that he had before he heads off on deployment too, so he cooked us some really yummy steaks. Then we watched American Idol, Biggest Loser and The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Like I said before, TV and food is clearly the answer to cheering me up. Or maybe its just an escape from reality.

On a completely random side note, I can't believe that there is now a Real Housewives of New Jersey on. I think the show in general is ridiculous and I have to admit that I was a little scared to see this new one. New Jersey has such a bad reputation to begin with, and after years and years of defending my home state to anyone who makes fun of it, I was pretty embarrassed that they chose New Jersey for the next season of the Housewives show! Prior seasons have featured housewives from individual cities or counties, so why on earth are they focusing on the whole state in this show? From what I saw last night, the women all live in the same town, or at least the same area. I have to admit though, that even through the ridiculousness of this show, it wasn't quite as embarrassing as I had anticipated. If anything, it shows people that the state is not full of cities that look like Newark. That part actually made me happy. These women are the typical rich, snobby housewives, who live in large beautiful homes and shop and eat at the best places around. So for anyone out there who thinks New Jersey is made up of dirty, crime filled cities, guess again :-). An airport that you fly into is not an indication of the entire state. On that note though, please don't assume that every woman in the state acts like these women!

Back to my deployment adjustments...
Today I woke up happy again, and I even got to talk to Mr. V for a short time online this morning. I had already received a few emails from him, so I have to admit that the ability to communicate with him makes things much easier. I know a lot of women don't like the communication that the military has today. They don't think its enough. I personally am VERY happy that this is not the time period that my grandparents lived in. When my grandfather deployed on an aircraft carrier during the Korean War, my grandma only heard from him through letters that arrived VERY slowly...if they even arrived at all. I think its a little selfish to complain about bad communication now because from what I can tell, its pretty good. Granted, we only got to talk for a short time before his time was up on the computer, but the fact that we got to talk at all made me very happy and put me in a strange mood for the rest of the day. I say strange because I was so happy that I got to talk to him, but it also saddened me because I miss having him here to talk to whenever I want to. Just add that to the list of things causing my emotional mood swings!

Today I also realized that I WILL be ok throughout all of this if I can keep myself busy the way I have been. That thought was a very cheerful thought, especially considering the fact that I never thought I would stop crying a few days ago. However, once again, it also brought me some saddness because mixed in with the realization that keeping myself busy is the way to go, I realized that not even a week has passed since he left. I feel like time is flying by, but when I stop to look at the date, it really hasn't. I need time to fly by and not just feel like its flying by!

So wish me luck in getting through this! I always knew that a deployment was coming, but that reality still doesn't make it any easier to say goodbye. I miss my husband, and will be eagerly anticipating his return home at the end of the year!